A pastor friend recently shared about having to have a HARD talk with one of his staffers. A few days later another friend shared how his son had messed up personally while serving in a college ministry leadership role. He felt the HARD talk that followed was part of his son's lack of positive feelings toward organized church now.
As a College Minister, the HARD talk is the one you have with a leader who is not fulfilling their responsibilities and they must step up or step down due to the adverse affect on the ministry. Or, it comes as a result of a student leader violating the "Lifestyle commitment" that many college ministries ask their leaders to make to realize the overall effect of their behavior and actions on others.
I have had many of the HARD talks and it is not my favorite thing in college ministry. HOWEVER, I do think it is a necessary part of the job. For one, it is about protecting the integrity of the ministry. But, perhaps more importantly it is about speaking into someone's life in regard to their direction and future. When we love people, we must lovingly speak truth into their life.
It is not unusual that these HARD talks come as a result of someone making accusations toward another ministry leader's behavior. Sometimes it is done spitefully and sometimes with the best of intent. I bring a little different perspective to these situations due to the fact that when I was attending a small Baptist Junior College and was in a key student leadership role, someone made an accusation of immoral conduct against me. It was totally false and I don't know if they knew that or thought it to be accurate. They actually went to the President of the college. He consulted someone that I worked directly with and they said they knew it was not true in my life. I have always been grateful for their belief in me.
1. We must go into these situations wanting what is best for the student involved.
If they have messed up, we must be about helping them get straightened out for their benefit. Beware, that we are not selfishly just thinking about how this affects the ministry we lead.
2. Never forget this accusation or rumor about may not be true.
And if it is not true, make clear you want to be part of making sure people know that it is not true.
3. Listen hard.
What is their response to this concern? If it is in regard to their behavior, is it accurate? If it is not accurate, what can we do to settle this issue for their benefit?
4. If it is about their meeting their commitments and responsibilities, is there something going on in their life, that has brought about this concern?
Sometimes, there is change in work situations, studies or even a crisis at home. At this point, the conversation needs to turn toward listening to the situation and finding how we might help. I then ask the question, "Which will help you the most right now, to step away from this role to focus on the situation or my help relieve some of your responsibility for a period of time?"
5. Will you take their word?
If the HARD talk is in regard to a student violating the "Lifestyle commitment", what if they say it is not true and did not happen? Unless I have total certainty of the mis-step, I will take their word for it. But, speak to the necessity of their making sure their actions do not give a false impression. In one situation with a student, in my gut I felt the student was not being honest with me, but I accepted her word. If we are teaching people to be people of their word, there comes a point where we must accept their word.
6. Sometimes a student will admit to a mis-step and express total remorse.
It is at that point where you must decide whether to allow them to continue in their leadership role or to ask them to step away. I do not think that is an automatic one way or the other and that each situation calls for a prayerful individual decision.
7. Always protect the privacy of the conversation and protect the reputation of the student.
When a student is going to step away from their leadership role, I try to make it the most graceful exit possible. This goes a long way in determining what they do in the future in regard to Christian involvement and particularly Christian leadership.
Someone asked me one time, "How do you know if you are confronting a student for the right reasons?" My answer is, if you are looking forward to it, it is not the right thing.
A prayer of mine is, "Lord, help me love students enough to have the HARD talks.". Then, I pray a lot after the HARD talks. But, to fail to have the HARD talks sometimes is to fail in our calling to students and to the Lord.
Arliss Dickerson is a part time college ministry consultant for Lifeway Christian Resources and the author of five books on college ministry in eBook and print at amazon.com (type in Arliss Dickerson).
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