Tone Matters!

One of the unpleasant, necessary, but sometimes very beneficial tasks of a College Minister is confronting students about their actions.  This is particularly true when it comes to working with and training student leaders.

A college ministry friend asked me recently what I thought about talking with a new student leader about some of their actions at one of their large group events that was not what one would hope.  I said yes that I would talk with that student.  But, that how it was done and in what tone was important.

Here's the deal.  Tone matters!  One of the bad things about a text message is you cannot hear the tone or see the facial expression.   Sometimes that is good, but most of the time I think it is bad.  In confronting or correcting a student leader, do they hear it as a result of you care about them or that they are the scum of the earth that you cannot wait to eradicate?  That is where tone is huge.

In the particular situation I was asked about, I thought it mattered because the student had just begun their new leadership role and most likely has a desire to do it right.  So, they are most open to correction right now.  Secondly, what a student leader does at the very beginning of their time of service most likely will go a long way toward determining how they do it for the rest of their time of service.

One student said,  "When the College Minister says, 'Can I see you in my office?", its like being called into the principle's office, you know you are about to get a paddling.  So, tone matters!  Is your tone angry?  Is your expression angry?  Does your tone, manner, and correction fit the offense?  It may be a no big deal thing, but not something you want to see modeled to the other students.  So, make sure they know why it matters, but it is not a life or death issue.

Also, it is important, when done sincerely, to be able to say, "I am telling you this because your potential is huge and lots of students look up to you.".  When the correction can be combined with a genuine compliment, it takes most of the hurt out and it reinforces the likelihood of a positive change and response on their part.

Sometimes, for our tone to be right we need to sleep on the offense before making the correction.  If you are like me, some things jump all over me, but in retrospect they are not killing offenses.  If I address the issue in my anger or frustration, I may overstate it in their hearing.

When you correct or speak to a student's behavior or actions, realize your tone is just as important or even maybe more important than your words.  Have I said, TONE MATTERS!