Most, but certainly not all, College Ministers are men. So, the issue for them is, "Do I meet privately with women?". Or, for female College Ministers the question regards meeting individually with men. For some College Ministers that answer is no; I will not meet individually with members of the opposite sex.
That is not my position. In my experience, with different young women serving in key leadership roles it was not possible to do my job well and not meet individually with them. I even found that young women often sought an older man's perspective on issues and when we had women staffers, guys would often go to them for their specific viewpoint.
When we built our new Baptist Student Center, it was first suggested that we put a full sized glass door in my office in order to protect me. I resisted that suggestion because it was my experience that in meeting with leaders and others who sought help, that sometimes tears were involved. I did not want students to feel that they could not share painful things without privacy. Yet, I understood the intent of those who saw the need for a glass door. We settled on a door that had a glass that was about four inches wide and ran down the left side of the door almost half way. Others passing by or standing in the reception area could not have an easy and open view of all of my office. Yet, it was a window into my office.
Here are my guidelines for you to consider, if you have not decided a policy. Or, you may be feeling the need to re-think what and how you operate with the opposite sex. We all know this has become a more sensitive topic.
1. DON'T BE STUPID!
There is a quote attributed to John Wayne that I like: "Life is hard; it is harder if you are stupid." If a student of the opposite sex acts in any way that they have inappropriate intent or are mis-understanding of your intent, get out of it immediately. Once a young woman began to reach out and hug me in a way in which I was totally uncomfortable, I immediately pulled away and walked out into the hall way. Awkward is better than stupid!
2. DON'T GO TO A GIRL'S ROOM IN THE DORM, IF YOU ARE A GUY. FEMALES SHOULD NOT GO TO A GUY'S DORM ROOM.
In this day almost anyone can go to any room at any time or various times in the dorm. Don't go to a student of the opposite sex's room. There are lots of places on campus to meet. How does this sentence sound, "He goes to girls rooms in the dorm."? "She goes to guy's rooms in the dorm." It does not matter what your intent and purpose was. You will lose on that statement. It can be a one hundred percent true statement......that conveys false information!
3. AVOID THE APPEARANCE OF EVIL.
I have seen College Ministers standing with a student of the opposite sex in just a way that had a bad vibe to it. Be conscious of the appearance of your actions. That may not seem fair....but we are not talking about fair, we are talking about your reputation and your ministry. Don't be paranoid about it, but be mindful.
4. CONSIDER YOUR SPOUSE AND KEEP YOUR SPOUSE IN THE LOOP.
Consider your spouse in how you operate and how your actions may affect their feelings and concerns. Different spouses have different trigger points, when it comes to this issue. If something does happen that might be interpreted negatively, it is better for your spouse to hear about it from you rather than from the "grapevine".
Do I know of College Ministers who have gotten in trouble with the opposite sex? Yes I do! Have all that lost their job over this issue deserved it? I don't have a clue. Be wise in how you act and in the appearance of your actions. After all, it is ONLY your reputation, your calling and your job!"
3. AVOID THE APPEARANCE OF EVIL.
I have seen College Ministers standing with a student of the opposite sex in just a way that had a bad vibe to it. Be conscious of the appearance of your actions. That may not seem fair....but we are not talking about fair, we are talking about your reputation and your ministry. Don't be paranoid about it, but be mindful.
4. CONSIDER YOUR SPOUSE AND KEEP YOUR SPOUSE IN THE LOOP.
Consider your spouse in how you operate and how your actions may affect their feelings and concerns. Different spouses have different trigger points, when it comes to this issue. If something does happen that might be interpreted negatively, it is better for your spouse to hear about it from you rather than from the "grapevine".
Do I know of College Ministers who have gotten in trouble with the opposite sex? Yes I do! Have all that lost their job over this issue deserved it? I don't have a clue. Be wise in how you act and in the appearance of your actions. After all, it is ONLY your reputation, your calling and your job!"
"Therefore, be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16b
Arliss Dickerson's new book, ALMOST EVERYTHING ABOUT COLLEGE MINISTRY, is available at amazon.com.
Arliss ~ I appreciate this post more than you know and I suppose thirty years late is still better than never to thank you for the ethic and standard of conduct you set for me in the years I was first processing my own call to ministry. You and Mike Carrier both set so high a bar for appropriate and healthy boundaries I assumed this was how ministers behaved and expected your model from the ministers I met in seminary and in church life thereafter. While it was heartbreaking to discover otherwise, I have never forgotten nor failed to be grateful for you and Mike, that you were my first role models, that I and so many others were safe in your care. To have been raised in ministry by you is a gift for which I am ever grateful. Thanks for this reminder. Annette
ReplyDeleteWhat a super kind comment Annette! Thank you. Blessings to you and Carl!
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