Being the Spouse of a College Minister......

Being the spouse of a College Minister is hard!  College Minister hours are weird.  College Ministers  live in seasons.  They eat meals at weird times.  They are often gone on trips at Spring Break, Christmas, etc.

My wife, Sue, is getting ready to lead a conference for college ministry spouses and asked me to proof read her notes and thoughts.  Many of those she will be speaking to are younger and since she has been a college ministry spouse for forty plus years, she is trying to give them a picture of the long term...or different seasons, if you will.  I will confess; I cried when I read it.  It reminded me of all she had done to make our life and ministry work.  She had taken on the Administrative Assistant position temporarily and done it for thirty two years.  She speaks of what she calls, "bumps"or "Hard Time #1, Hard Time #2 and Hard Time #3".  They were times of major health issues and our raising the money to build a BCM Center while she was going through cancer treatments, etc.  She tells of our having family evening meals at weird times, so I could go back to the campus, etc.

But, she shares how students loved our kids and us, how we never felt alone and were literally prayed for by people all over the world.  Sometimes, I would get a message saying, "We are praying for Sue today" and I did not know who that person was.  She indicates how God was faithful through all the different periods and challenges.  We were not rich, but never did without.

Cooking and "hostessing" is one of Sue's gifts and she shares how she learned that God could use that in our ministry...doing cooking breakouts at Retreats, fixing Lunch Program meals for 200 plus, and having students in our home at Christmas.  I am an "Out front person" and Sue is a "Task person" and she shares how she realized that was ok.  Part of her emphasis is that we are all wired differently and that some spouses will be very involved, but maybe not up front and others will not be involved at all AND and of those are ok.

I think it is important that we be careful of what we expect of our spouse and let them be who God made them to be....not what we expect and that we not ask them to carry an unfair burden, either involvement wise or emotionally. In my book, FIXING A BROKEN COLLEGE MINISTRY,  in the chapter on "Self Care", I wrote this:

"Do not share all your pain and frustration with your spouse,  While a College Minister going through a repair or rebuilding process needs to and should talk to his or her spouse about everyday happenings...good and bad, it is important that your spouse not hear so much negative that it becomes a huge weight on your relationship.  Many spouses and children have turned negative toward the church, ministry, and even the Lord due to having to bear ALL the pain of the one they love."

College Ministry spouses deserve a medal.  Here are some suggestions in addition to or instead of a medal:

1.  Make sure your spouse knows that you "get it" in terms of what they are doing to fit with what you are doing.

2.  When your ministry is in a slower season, give some extra attention and time to your spouse.

3.  Make sure your spouse does not feel they have to conform to someone else's image of what the College Minister Spouse should or should not do.  Some will be involved in the ministry in some way and others will not.

Arliss Dickerson is a part time college ministry consultant for Lifeway Christian Resources and the author of five books on college ministry in eBook and print at amazon.com (type in Arliss Dickerson).